Thursday, April 12, 2007

Victor/Victim. What's your role?

You're sitting having coffee with a good friend. She's complaining about an incident at work where a co-worker, once again, has stolen her ideas and gotten the promotion she was looking for. It's time for me to quit, she says.

You listen and smile and make supportive remarks; all the while thinking about how this is such a recurring drama with this friend -- Every time you get together she talks about what’s wrong in her life and how the world is to blame for her problems.

To show her your support you:

  1. Pass the Kleenex box and let her have a good cry.
  2. Agree with her that this person is a real b***h and help her plot her vengeance.
  3. Tell her about the great job at your firm for someone with her exact skills and promise to get her an interview (while thinking you’ll have to lie later about the fact the job is already filled).
  4. Tell her she needs help and give her the name of your therapist.
  5. Do nothing except pat her hand and mutter, there, there, while she pulls out her own Kleenex box.
  6. Tell her your tale of woe about the time the same thing happened to you as you both pull out voodoo dolls of the co-worker who done you wrong.
  7. Look at your watch; realize suddenly you're late for an appointment, quickly gather your things, jump up and walk away promising her you’ll call soon while promising yourself you'll never call this friend again.

We’ve all been there. Where we sit by and let someone spin their tale of woe, blame the world for everything wrong in their lives and either identify with what they’re saying, or secretly think about how boring, tiring, frustrating it is to deal with this person, all the while promising to stay friends forever.

Sometimes, we’ve been the one doing the whining, soliciting support from those around us as we justify why we have the right to feel so badly about our lives. We coerce others to support our bad behaviour by encouraging their tacit agreement that we are right to feel the way we do.

Years ago, a girlfriend asked me to read a letter her fiance had written her about their relationship and a situation that was jeopardizing their upcoming nuptials. She wanted my support. She wanted me to rally with her in condemning this man as a callous, unfeeling, mixed-up, shallow man with no capacity to love or do the right thing. I wanted to defend my friend and support her and help her clear her thinking on whether or not she should go through with the marriage. (Did I mention I had all the answers and knew what was best for my friend?)

I started to read the letter and realized I was reading something very personal in which this man was baring his soul and revealing to her his deep pain. My friend was sitting beside me, eagerly waiting for my comments. I remember hesitating, thinking about telling my friend, I didn’t want to keep reading the letter. I feebly tried to hand her the letter back and redirect the conversation but she was adamant. I needed to read the letter to see how ridiculous this man was. So, I skimmed the letter. To not read it risked making my friend angry. And I didn’t want to do that. In my fear of my friend’s reaction, I took responsibility for her feelings and let go of my own. I made myself a victim and compromised my truth, my values, my principles to appease a friend.

Whether or not she was or wasn’t behaving like a victim was not my issue. I was responsible for my actions and words. Setting myself up as a victim hurt me, and our friendship as I did not honour my friend with the truth. I was more worried about losing her friendship than of being a good friend.

Years later, my desire to placate someone led me into an abusive relationship that resulted in enormous pain and suffering for everyone involved. My unwillingness to be true to myself, led me into giving into a man who’s values and morals were completely opposite of mine. But, because I was afraid to speak up, to stand in my own truth without fear of the outcome, I gave up on myself and gave into him and became the ultimate victim.

Most of my life I played a good show of not being ‘the victim’. I was never a whiner and was very adept at criticizing other people while making it sound like I wasn’t. I didn’t go on and on about why other people were to blame for all the problems in my life, and I didn’t point fingers when things went wrong. Didn’t matter. I was still a victim. Because, I didn’t stand up for me. I didn’t take responsibility for myself. I didn’t hold myself accountable for myself. I was unwilling to risk jeopardizing the opinions others had about me by challenging situations and circumstances that I knew to be unfair, untrue, and unjust. I was more worried about ‘making someone mad at me’ than I was about speaking what was true for me and thus, honouring my principles, morals, values, ethics and beliefs. I lacked integrity.

Letting go of my victim’s role requires a daily commitment to do what is right. It requires a daily commitment to act with integrity, to being fearless in my commitment to stand in my own light. It requires that I honour my truth by honouring the world around me with dignity and love.
It means I have to turn up, pay attention, lovingly speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.

Somedays, like last week when I forgot my wallet and was upset because my daughters wouldn’t drop everything and bring it to me, my high horse rides up and carries me away before I even realize I whistled for him to rescue me. On those days, no matter how far down the road of self-denial I might be, it is my responsibility to stop the ride, dismount and recommit to acting with integrity in all things I do (and to apologize and make amends as necessary). There are also days when I just like the drama of blaming the world for what I’m unwilling to take responsibility for. On those days, I need to step out of my shadow and claim my place at centre stage where I am accountable for myself, -- good, bad and indifferent – so that I can love myself, exactly how I am and where I’m at so that I can move into my integrity and light without fear that I am less than or other than who I am meant to be.

Being a victor in my own life means standing in the centre of my ‘eye’ – regardless of how fiercely the winds howl around me. It means accepting absolute responsibility for myself and honouring my process of becoming the wondrous me I am meant to be. It means acknowledging that I am the creator of every situation in my life, -- good, bad and indifferent. If I don’t like where I’m at, it’s up to me to take ACTION and redirect my energies towards where I want to be.

It means, claiming a victor’s mentality and working arduously towards my goal of being the best me I can be, exactly the way I am, every moment of every day.

I will never have the answers for anyone else, no matter how much I think I do. My answers work for me because they are comprised of my learning, my experiences, my courage, strength and belief in my right to be all that I am meant to be. When I shift my focus to looking after someone else’s right to be centre stage in their own life, or expect someone else to help me claim centre stage of my own life, I abdicate responsbility for myself and put myself in the victim’s role.

My role is as the victor in my own life. To claim that right, I must turn up for me, in all my pain, confusion, joy and laughter and live fearlessly at centre stage.

What’s your role?

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