Sunday, March 25
Sunday morning. I wake and wonder, what to write. It’s the same old, same old. Believing the process must be known before I begin, rather than just being in the process and letting it unfold. Wanting to direct the action from without, rather than being directed from within.
I’m in Vancouver. It’s raining. But, it’s green. This is such a beautiful city. Flowers bloom. Trees are in blossom. The air is sweet.
Perhaps one of the things I like most about this city is I do not have memories of the journey into hell with Conrad attached to every place. My memories here are of healing. Of reclamation. Of restoration. It was here that I first awoke from the nightmare of that relationship. It was here that I first faced the truth without fear, without believing that the lie was safer. It was here I let go of the lie and began the process of turning up for me.
It was here I came alive.
Memories are such tricky fellows. They can hurt or they can restore. When I let go of the need to hurt myself with memory, I become focused on forgiveness, not anger. And forgiveness is so much lighter than anger.
Recently A. was angry about the situation with her father. Do you want to love him or hate him I asked. Love him she replied. Then forgive him. Forgiveness will move you into love. Anger will keep you stuck.
When I said that to her I turned those words into myself. Am I an angry or a forgiving person? How do I want to live my life? In love or anger? Love. Then the answer is simple. Step into forgiveness. Let anger go.
But….
Ahhh, the eternal but. What about what he did. What about what she said. What about how he lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me.
What about it?
Can I change it? Alter it? Affect him or the past?
There is nothing I can do about it, other than to hold it in place with anger and let it fester or forgive so that I can surrender and fall in love.
My friend N. always says, Anger, like acid will corrode the vessel containing it.
Anger, like acid, will corrode the heart. Anger will harden arteries, stiffen spines and break bones.
Forgiveness will open a broken heart to love. Forgiveness will open arms to loving. Forgiveness will set me free.
My gift for myself today is to walk in love, through every moment, every step. My gift for myself is to treat the world with the loving kindness I deserve.
1 comment:
So true! Forgiveness sometimes take a little time and perspective, but when it comes it feels so good! People ask me how I can still feel friendly toward my ex after all we went thru. It's easy... forgiveness (and the peace that comes in knowing I don't have to live with him :-) If we can remember what is or once was good about a person and let go of the bad, it leaves much less baggage to drag around in life. There is still one other I am unable to forgive, maybe someday.
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